Swinging Towards Anticipation

It's been days since I blogged in here; I've needed some time to swing in a different direction.  Having cancer changes one's life direction, at least it has for me.  It's difficult to go through a journey such as this with complete patience, serenity or bravery,  I've struggled with those but I've not struggled with my faith and trust in Almighty God.  Over the past few weeks my focus has been too much on recuperation, rather than just embracing each moment for the miracles they are!  I want so much to be well, to return to my energizer bunny mode but in these past few days I've had to be still; I'd been doing too much too soon....that's difficult for me to admit.  My direction needed to swing back to the pace which is suited to ultimately restoring my health perfectly.....after all, this really isn't about me, this cancer is all about allowing The Great Physician to do a wondrous work of healing in my battered body.

So in order to do that healing I find it necessary for me also share with you just how a cancer monster affects the afflicted.  My journey is far from over, I'm still extremely weak, simple tasks easily tire me. Stairs are a problem, sitting in a chair and/or laying down require logistical body placement for comfort. I still have this terrible rash (it's most likely radiation caused).  I'm very short of breath within 5 minutes of walking.  I still feel as if I just had abdominal surgery.  Bleeding is less but still going on.  I get easily cold and at times it is so severe I have knots of pain in my spine which take about an hour to dissipate.  In order to eat I take anti-nausea meds which in turn give me severe constipation that stool softeners don't much help, which in turn continue to keep me nauseated from being filled with 'waste' (clogged pipes, if you will). Fatigue is a constant and yet I don't so much sleep as I do literally pass out.  I thought my hair was growing back in but the fact is it is breaking off on the crown of my head.  My bones constantly ache, I still have lymphedema and at various times I find myself having momentary crying outbursts which may be hormonal, emotional or medicinal in nature.

I've made an appointment for Nov 11th with Dr. C.  I just gotta have at least one more blood test before leaving for Texas.  Then I also see Dr. B on Friday and hope to hear him say "Your monster seems to be dead!" 

Ahhhhh BUT..........each day I hold on to victory in this battle....I am still alive, still willing to fight this cancer and still very grateful to God.

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.*****
-- Winnie the Pooh

**** But I know what it's called:  Anticipation